Sorrow
by Miss Matti
Summary: Marco has stage 3B lung cancer and a small chance of survival, but is he lucky enough?


My boyfriend is in the hospital.

He's been there for a long time now, and sometimes it's on and off. Sometimes he gets to go home, home to me and his family. Sometimes we all come visit him. We bring all his favorite things and watch him smile and laugh awkwardly, because such a sweet boy like him has the hardest of times receiving gifts just like that. He comes up with excuses like ' _it's not even Christmas'_ or ' _but it's not my birthday yet!'_ But we all know he's grateful for everything we do for him.

I dream of the day where I can take him by the hand and pull him out of that dull hospital bed and run away with him. Run away to a faraway place where no pain and sorrow exists. Some place where we can be happy every day. Somewhere I can play my guitar for him, and he'll try to sing, but in reality, it sounds like shit because he doesn't believe it even _can_ sound good. But I know he's got it in him. I've heard him sing for his little brother, Angelo. Oh, and he's such a sweet boy too. It seems like everyone with that last name have a pure, sweet soul.

But that could never happen. If he as much as tries to run, his lungs will give in, give him hell, give him no sense of hope that he'll ever get well.

My boyfriend, Marco Bodt, has stage 3B lung cancer.

I remember where it all started. Well... I don't know his part, but I remember when Marco came into the class in fourth grade. He carried around a small oxygen tank which connected directly to his nose. Back then he smiled much more often and was still filled with energy. Everyone in class was very curious, but when he told them what was wrong, they distanced themselves. I never knew why. Sure, we were young, but I always thought it was because they would think it was contagious, or maybe they didn't want to get close to him if he was to pass away anyways. I scolded them for talking about him behind his back, and I got in a lot of fights.

I couldn't just let them talk that way about someone who maybe just wants to live the life they've got. So, at lunch, I sat down beside him and introduced myself, ''Hi! I'm Jean.'' I smiled as I held my hand out to him for him to take. He took my hand after a small hesitation and greeted me as a smile covered his freckled face. That boy has so many freckles, and so does his entire family. It's adorable, really.

''I'm Marco!''

And that's how it began. He and I were inseparable through the rest of Elementary school, Junior high and High school. In our Sophomore years, we realized something that had been on our minds for a long time. It was like we both realized it at the exact same time, like telepathy, because we went to his place after school, and looked each other in the eyes. ''Jean... I think I like you. You know, not as a friend, but... more...'' He told me, looking away to avoid my eyes as if he was ashamed, or afraid of what my reaction would be. Who can blame him? He just came out to his best friend! His best friend who was the one he had a crush on. I wouldn't blame him for the world. We had never really talked about sexuality or anything like that, which was the only thing we didn't know about each other.

I had been quiet for a while, and Marco seemed to become more and more nervous with each second, I didn't say a thing. ''I know you're not gay, but I just needed you to know...'' He added quickly in defense, followed by a nervous smile and an awkward laugh. He looked down, his expression defeated as if he had lost a long battle, he hoped of winning.

I hesitantly placed gentle hands on his cheeks, then moved them towards his ears to unhook the tubes that ran all the way down his chest and into the oxygen tank. I then removed the small object from his nose, and felt the oxygen run into my hand. It tickled a bit, and it made me smile to see him without the device. To see him look like nothing was wrong with him. He looked at me, puzzled, but he didn't stop me, and I realized I should probably say something. ''Marco…'' I started, but I couldn't get any other words to come out. I just stared into his dark chocolate eyes as the lump in my throat only got bigger. It was like all the words I thought about saying, gathered up and chocked me. I couldn't say anything, so I did the only thing I could think of. I threw the oxygen tube to the ground, cupped his cheeks and kissed him. Right on the mouth, and not just some _aunt Matilda kiss,_ no, this was a real kiss with feeling. Marco let out a surprised gasp and stood frozen for a moment, but being stubborn as I am, I didn't pull away until I felt Marco return the kiss. When he did, I smiled into the kiss and pulled away a moment after, seeing as Marco was having trouble breathing without his oxygen tubes. So, I kindly picked them up again, and inserted it in his nose, hooking the tubes around his ears again. And after that, we laughed. We laughed so much that Marco started coughing violently, and I had to tell him to stop laughing. But that just made him laugh even more. Stupid boy.

I don't remember the last time I laughed that much.

After that, I guess it just came naturally to us. We didn't agree to be boyfriends or anything, I guess we both just knew what we wanted.

We wanted to be with one another for as long as we could.

And when the last school dance of the year rolled around, I decided to surprise Marco and ask him out. And that wasn't going to be something almost every guy does. Not even trying to make the other feel special and just ask _'Do you want to go to the dance with me?'_ No, I know exactly how to do this.

Every Friday morning, we gather in the gathering hall to get together. Sometimes we sing, dance, have fun and tell each other stories. Apparently, it's a big deal. Which is why this is the perfect opportunity for me to ask Marco out. I had to get up earlier and get to school and remember to bring the acoustic guitar I got from my big sister. Normally I only play my electric guitar when we have band, but this time it had to be more special. Marco and I don't live close, and we can't take the same bus or anything like that, but that's perfect in this moment. I sat backstage, as I heard students gather in the hall. I tuned my guitar to make sure it sounded perfect. I tried planning out what to say after the song, but never came up with anything. Marco and I have a place where we always sit. In the middle and right up front, because my eyesight sucks and I wouldn't be able to see otherwise.

As our principle announced a few messages about the school dance, I felt my hands grow sweaty and my heart beat faster. I was nervous..? That's never happened before. Well, this time it was different too. And when I heard my name being called out, I stood up and let out a sharp breath. ''You can do this…'' I assured myself and stepped out in the open, looking over everyone who looked at me with anticipation, before my eyes went to Marco, sitting there in the front with a smile on his face. I plugged my guitar to the speakers and adjusted the microphone around my ear. Then I let my fingers play the foreplay, which could be anything, but I knew that everyone knows the song as soon as I began singing.

''Wise men say, only fools rush in.. But I can't help falling in love with you.'' I sang as everyone began clapping. It felt good, actually. I never played solo, but this was a nice feeling. My eyes went straight to Marco, whose blush covered almost all of his freckles now.

''Shall I stay? Would it be a sin, if I can't help falling in love with you.'' I felt much more confident and moved towards the stairs to the stage, singing the next part as I kept my eyes on Marco. ''Like a river flows, surely to the sea, darling so it goes, some things are meant to be.'' When I stood in front of him, I stopped playing, but kept singing, reaching my hand towards him, ''Take my hand, take my whole life too,'' I smiled at him as he took my hand and I pulled him up, motioning him to follow me, and I began playing again, walking back on stage ''For I can't help falling in love with you.'' I stared him into the eyes as I walked closer to him, pressing my forehead against his, closing my eyes and smiling, ''No, I can't help falling in love with you.'' We both sang, and luckily, the microphone was close enough for everyone to hear Marco sing it too. Everyone clapped, whistled and I laughed, waiting for the noise to die down, and when it did, I spoke my words. ''Marco, when I first met you, I had no idea that I would fall for you like this. We have been inseparable since fourth grade, and we still are to this day, which is why I'm asking you to be my date to the school dance.'' I spoke, as I watched tears form in Marco's eyes, and I chuckled, waiting until he was ready to answer.

''Of course!'' He replied and I smiled, kissing him once again as everyone clapped.

That was the happiest day of my life, and I'm glad we got to share it together before things escalated. After we started in school again, Marco got worse. Everyone thought he was going to win the fight he had been fighting for so long.

I'm with him when I can. I promised him to stop slacking so much, so I go to school and visit him when I'm dismissed where I can't wait to see him. Sometimes he scoots over in the small hospital bed and I lay down with him, holding him close. Sometimes he's the one holding me. Whichever it is, I always end up falling asleep and I dream about him. Dream about his sweet smile and dream about the day the doctors tell him that he's cured. That's all I want.

But everyone knows, that if a happiest day exists, then so does the most sorrowful.

Mine is the day I lose my boyfriend.

And that day is unavoidable.

Two years later I sit by his bed in the hospital, Angelo sitting on his mother's lap. We all know what's happening, because Marco can barely breathe now. He coughs blood every once in a while, and we all know it's time. After all, only five percent of people with stage 3B lung cancer survives it. Turns out Marco isn't that lucky.

I take my guitar which is resting against the wall and I call out his name, ''Marco.'' I say and catch his attention. He looks at me and smiles, and I feel tears form in my eyes. ''You know I've graduated right? I have a job and I still play, I still draw, and I'm talking to my sister again. I miss you at home, you know. I miss your smile, your kisses… Everything. I know you want your peace, but I'm not letting you go before I sing you a song.'' I tell him, teary eyed and chocking a few words out, because I can't talk properly on the verge of crying. Marco's mother takes Angelo by the hand and takes my hand for a moment. She looks devastated, and I force a weak smile. ''Thank you for taking care of my boy.'' She says and kisses me on top of my head, then leaves the room.

I tune my guitar and shift, sitting on the edge of Marco's bed instead, running a finger over his freckled cheek, and he smiles to which I choke out a laugh. ''Look at you… You're still smiling.'' I say quietly, and Marco lays a hand on top of mine, ''You'll keep smiling too, right?'' He coughs, and my look turns blank. How am I supposed to smile when he's gone? How am I supposed to keep living like that? He's my sunshine and joy, the love of my life, the only one I want… ''I'll try Marco. I promise.''

I pull back my hand and tune my guitar, letting out a deep sigh to collect my thoughts and try to stop crying. Then I begin the foreplay and I can tell that Marco recognizes it instantly because he smiles.

''Wise men say, only fools rush in. But I can't help falling in love with you.'' I sing, and I can tell he's trying to sing along, which forces a tear to run down my cheek. ''Shall I stay? Would it be a sin, if I can't help falling in love with you. Like a river flows, surely to the sea, darling so it goes, some things are meant to be.'' I stop playing when Marco places a hand on mine and interrupts my singing. ''Take my hand… Take my whole life too… For I can't help falling in love with you..'' He sings, making me choke out a sob as I smile, and the last part I play as we both sing slowly, ''I can't help falling in love with you..''

I stay with him until he draws his final breath, and when he does, I hear the flatline sound and I cry.


End file.
